too late to say sorry! * josephine

[LEN ATKINS]

[STYLE=background: #F0F0F0; text-transform: lowercase; font-family: arial; font-size: 9px; line-height: 82%; width: 350px; text-align: justify; padding: 10px;]The boy sighed greatly. He didn't even remember when the last time was he talked to his sister... Well, a full conversation, at least. He'd usually say, 'hey Joze', and then leave without another word. They didn't even eat together at dinners anymore. Nobody did. They all stayed in their own rooms, quietly doing what they needed to do, not in anybody's way. Len was ashamed that he actually was starting to hate this routine. He remembered when his parents didn't have to work day and night. Every dinner, they would sit together and talk about their feelings and apologize for everything they had did to each other and be...thankful. And now what has happened? There was so much hostility. Everybody blamed another for their own faults. Was it Len's fault? Even since he didn't get the scholarship, he had been angry at Joze for being able to get into the high school when he wasn't. He tried to force her to quit... Shut the fuck up, Len. It's not your fault. he muttered under his breath. Oh, but was that true? Ever since he started getting angry with Joze, the whole family had split apart. Maybe it was his fault, as much as he hated to admit it. They all should have made up and reconciled with each other a long time ago... Len had attempted to... But as usual, he messed it up by swearing and giving sarcastic comments. I'm such an idiot. I'm such a fucking terrible brother to my sister. he sighed again, not knowing where he was even going. But why? Those words she had said cut him. They cut him. "I can't forgive you." What a sickening set of words. Who knew they could hurt so much?

"It's your fault for being a freaking baby." he grumbled, going against what he had said earlier. So, that was him -- the stubborn, hot-headed brother who was afraid of commitment and very self-centered. Or, at least, that's what Joze described him as. It was early in the morning on a warm, sunny

[/color] day -- september twenty. the sun was so bright that len had to shield his eyes from it. looking around, he realized that he was around by his house... He recognized the same households of their neighbors. Len even saw one of them walking their pooch on the sidewalk. He sighed. Len had assumed that he probably hadn't noticed where he was, as he was too distracted with insulting himself... He was also sort of sleepy. Len had been awake rather late the night before... He just couldn't sleep nowadays. It was...strange, really. And now, there was a banging in his head. He just wanted to slam his head against the wall until and broke open... He was so tired. It was shameful, too, actually. He would understand Joze being tired, since she worked. But him? He didn't work at all. He was just a huge embarrassment and disappointment to him family. Everything he touched was destroyed.

Len was selfish, too, and useless. He approached his household, his heart pounding heavily. He didn't know why. Maybe he was just afraid that he and Joze would get into another fight? Or was it because he was just so tired? Last time he had tried to talk (and reconcile) with Joze, she had told him that she didn't love him. She told him that he was the worst brother and she could never forgive him. Len had seen it coming, really. But he never knew that it would hurt this much. He unlocked the door and looked around. Empty. Maybe Joze had gone to work? "Joze? Are you awake? he called out for his younger sisters, while opening the refrigerator to pour himself half a glass of lemonade. He needed something, anyways. "J-joze?" he called out again, stuttering slightly. Was it because he was afraid of talking to her? As much as he hated to admit it, he really did love his sister. He wished the two could be friends again... The only issue with Len is that he's just so stubborn. He could never back down to anybody... and when he tried to.... Joze only kicked him away and refused to forgive him. I guess that's the problem with us both. he thought, We're just too stubborn to admit fault. he smiled slightly. This time, he wasn't going to just fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness like the pathetic person he was. He wasn't even going to ask for forgiveness. He knew that he would have to earn her trust instead...

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[JOSEPHINE ATKINS]

[atrb=cellspacing,15,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=style, background: url(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff450/nezumitheasian/ricepaper.png); -webkit-border-radius: 25px; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px,btable][atrb=style, background: url(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff450/nezumitheasian/kagaminetwins00009.png) no-repeat center; width: 450px; height: 225px; -webkit-border-radius: 25px; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px;] at the end of a desperate paradise

i seek the lost voice

I'm hungry... Joze groaned a little as she shifted her weight on the bed. I'm still tired... But her hunger was overriding how tired she felt. This bed in really comfortable... I don't wanna get up Right now is when she felt her laziness kick in. This was a routine - a routine that she only did on the weekends. To be perfectly honest she would have done it on the weekdays too, if not for the fact she needed to wake up early so that she could get to the school on time. The damn school was miles away. She shouldn't be complaining though, she was grateful that she would be accepted into such a prestigious high school. Although it had messed up the relationship between mother, father, sisters, and brother, it was worth it if she could get into a good college and get a good job after that, so her family could live an easy life. Although, she wondered at what cost she would be willing to do this for. It had always been for her family - but her family was falling apart, ripping at the seams. The foundation between the family of five was cracking, ever since she had gotten that scholarship. Was it worth it? So that her family wouldn't have to worry about their financial needs anymore. But to have her family torn apart in the process - it wasn't what she wanted. She didn't know what she wanted out of life, it was always for her family. Her family that wasn't even a family anymore. Sure, her parents were still together and close, despite their long hours and their feuding children. It begged the question - if they could be like that despite how many hardships they had to endure, why couldn't she and Len be like that? Len. The very thought of him wanted to make her groan. Was he out late again? When she had fallen asleep the night before she hadn't heard him come in, but then again she had fallen asleep at a rather early hour, coming home from work, and then collapsing on her bed. In fact, her sister had still been awake and eating her dinner on the bed to the right of the room. Yes, that's probably why she was so hungry - she hadn't eaten dinner. She had almost skipped lunch too, but decided against it seeing that yesterday was a busy day for the restaurant and she could be screwed if she would only be running on her breakfast (which had consisted of one egg and a piece of toast). But she still didn't want to get up out of the covers and - what time was it? She had work today, right? Right - she did have work. And today she had taken extra shifts for some extra money. So she had to go to her work even earlier than usual. With all the will she could muster, she rose out of her bed, like a zombie. Despite the fact that she might have caught an extra hour or two of sleep for missing her dinner, she was still tired. Maybe if she ate something she would feel a bit more refreshed and arrive to work with some energy in her system. Her sister was still sleeping, and how Joze really envied the girl. She could sleep in until whatever time she wanted on the weekends. Joze and her parents usually had work, so she would often be baby-sat by Len, no matter how many times she had insisted that she was old enough to take care of herself. Not that Joze ever doubted her - it was just that she never knew what would happen. Although she was unhappy about the fact that it would be Len watching over her, most of the time. But it wasn't like she could just take off work, and the same could be spoken for her parents. So Joze begrudgingly admitted that Len had some use for not having a job. As she was sure that he cared for their younger sister - or else he really would have been heartless. She could understand why he would hate her, but not their little sister. After all, she had done nothing. She put on her uniform, checking the time every so often. She was sure she wouldn't be late - although the walk from her house to her workplace was pretty long, she had about an hour to spare. Thank goodness she hadn't taken the extremely early shift, or she'd be rushing about right now. And that was the last thing she wanted to do in this situation. "Joze? Are you awake?" That voice... Len! The last person she wanted to see at the moment. She was cranky, grouchy, and downright now up for any heated discussions. She had half the mind to camp out in her room and wait him out - but by then she would probably risk the chance of being late to work. Besides, she would have to face him sooner than later, and Joze preferred sooner so she could get it out of her system faster. And down the stairs she went, into the kitchen, where she found her deduction was correct. "What do you want?" She was actually surprised on how cold her voice sounded, and she fought the shivers that ran down her spine. Since their last 'discussion', she was determined not to let herself cry in his presence again. Joze repeatedly reminded herself that he had brought this on himself, and that this was the only way she could handle the situation without getting hurt herself. The faster she got out of this situation, the better. And plus, she was still hungry. Opening the fridge, she took out whatever leftovers it had left and started to heat them up. That should be able to last her until lunch.

[LEN ATKINS]

[STYLE=background: #F0F0F0; text-transform: lowercase; font-family: arial; font-size: 9px; line-height: 82%; width: 350px; text-align: justify; padding: 10px;]"What do you want?" Joze asked, her voice cold. He certainly had expected her to be unpleasant when around him, but didn't expect her to act grumpy right away! He didn't say anything regarding this, however. He didn't want to blow his chances this quickly, either. Oh, yeah. She definitely isn't in a good mood. he thought, wondering if it was just that she hated him so much, or she was tired. I'm tired myself, you know. he felt like saying, but held it in. Besides, she had a reason to be tired. She worked, kept the house in order, cared for their little child sister. Control your temper. Don't blow it, Len. Or she'll never give you a chance, ever, ever, again! The question she had asked remained unanswered. Why exactly had he been calling for her? What did he want? "I... I um..." the blonde boy chewed on his lower lip, trying to think of a response. Suddenly, he gave a sigh. "I was just checking if you were here or not..."

[/color] Yes, he would have been worried if she didn't respond -- but he would never tell her that. He looked at his sister, scanning his eyes over her body. She was wearing her work uniform. That meant that he had to watch his other little sister. His mind suddenly jumped to him supposedly being "a big brother", but he doubted Joze saw him in that way... And his little sister had gotten afraid of him sometimes, whenever he and Joze fought... She always saw him shouting and swearing... Oh, yes, the swearing. She had surely learned some new vocabulary from Len. He had a tendancy to curse when he was angry... Joze makes a better sibling than me. the thought made him feel terrible -- and slightly jealous. He was supposed to be the one who was protective, kind, sweet. But he wasn't, now, was he? How the fuck am I supposed to gain both of their trusts, when they keep freaking pushing me away? his gaze went back to Joze in her work uniform. Ugh. he muttered, feeling sick. "You going to work?" he asked, though it was rather obvious.

What am I to do? She hates me... Len stared into space, occasionally glancing at his sister and reading her expression for any signs of hope. Should I even try? His heart pounded. She's going to leave for work soon! I have to do something -- anything. I need to spend some time with her, for starters, right? I mean -- Len pulled himself up to sit on the granite kitchen countertop. "Can you... take a day-off from work...or something?"[/color] he tried to prevent himself from stuttering. I want to spend time with you. I want to spend time with you. he thought, wanting to say it outloud. Should he? What if she got angry, or asked why he suddenly wanted to actually participate in her life and be a brother. After all, he technically had been gone her whole life. "I was thinking... you're overworking yourself. You, me, and our little sister. We can go out to get some ice cream or something like we used to. Like a family."[/color] he was shocked that he even had the guts to say that word...family. "I know that I haven't been there, but... I want to start over. I want to be your brother, Joze. I can't take it anymore. I hate it. I hate myself." Why couldn't he bring himself to say it? His lips were sealed. He said nothing. "I-i-if that's alright with you, I mean. We never spend time together as a family, and I want to fix that. Because..."[/color] he sighed, not looking at her. He just allowed his words to trail off without him stating the reason he wanted to fix their family. "Because I'm your brother, even though I never act like it. I know, Joze. I'm so fucking self-centered. I get jealous, and I can't commit to anybody or anything. I'm useless to you and to this family. But I don't hate you. I never did. I know that I act like I do... But I don't, okay? I'm just a fucking idiot..."[/color]

A sorry excuse for your brother. Yeah, that's what I am. Len closed his eyes. Just please... Agree with me, for once! Just one time. he grabbed her wrist, just in case she was considering walking out on him. He wouldn't let her. "Just please take a day-off and give me a chance to prove to y-you and her that I'm sorry... and that I want to be your brother, still. Please Joze, I'm begging you."[/color] Say yes. Say yes. Please, he begged. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see her get angry at him and say, 'no'. The words were so easy to say, weren't they? But he and Joze... They were family. They were supposed to love each other and protect each other... He expected her to say the word and go off to work, leaving him. Len prepared himself for rejection. The very thought made him cringe... But, if he never tried, he would never know -- right?

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[JOSEPHINE ATKINS]

[atrb=cellspacing,15,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,475,true][atrb=style, background: url(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff450/nezumitheasian/ricepaper.png); -webkit-border-radius: 25px; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px,btable][atrb=style, background: url(http://i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff450/nezumitheasian/kagaminetwins00009.png) no-repeat center; width: 450px; height: 225px; -webkit-border-radius: 25px; -moz-border-radius: 25px; border-radius: 25px;] at the end of a desperate paradise

i seek the lost voice

Maybe she had started off a little... unreasonably cold. But who could blame her, it was early in the morning and she had just woken up. Work was in an hour, she had run into Len, and she really didn't want to talk to him right now. She had more important things in her mind. Well, no, everything in her mind came back to Len and all the problems he had caused this now dysfunctional family. And how they had to patch themselves up and try to be stronger without his help. Although props to him - last time she had actually bothered to pay attention (or rather, their last fight), he actually seemed to regret it. And she did regret her own words that night as well. Because deep down, he was her brother, and there was nothing she could do to change that fact and the fact that she would always admire him. And love him. But for now, she wanted that fact to stay buried, even if she wanted to reconcile with him and try to patch up all the wounds, although old battle scars would always remain present. Besides, hadn't she just been thinking about how their family was in need of the both of them to start being friendly again? To be perfectly honest, that was what she needed to. Although she had grown used to such a routine as to ignore her brother whenever she saw him, it didn't mean she actually had to enjoy it. If she just tried... No. I promised that I wouldn't let him win. If I tried... I would let him win. He can't be forgiven... he can't be. Winning and losing - it was the formula to her argument, and she had to say that it was unstable. It could blow to bits in a matter of seconds. But what if he had left no reason for her to refuse. What if he admitted to his defeated, begged on his knees? He had come close the last time, but Joze didn't believe it. Since when should she? He wasn't trustworthy. Len had become a monster. She might have pretended not to notice how he had made it a happy to not return until early in the morning, but there was no denying what she had thought for a long time coming. But at the same time, it just didn't sit right in her stomach. To say that he was a monster, that was. What was stopping her from thinking him as such? She didn't know. "I was just checking if you were here or not..." If under different circumstances, Joze would have thought it was nice and sweet of Len to do that. But he couldn't have mellowed out his temper in such a short amount of time. It was impossible. It should take months - perhaps even years - to take out that stubbornness fiery temper he had. And she had to admit, she had the same exact problem. So why couldn't she do exactly what Len was doing right now? But she found herself unable to utter a word at his kindness at the moment, but stopped herself from putting the leftovers into the microwave. It was true - she had tensed up, out of surprise, and couldn't move until she calmed herself down from this unexpected turn of events. "You going to work?" As if it wasn't obvious. She already had her attire on and everything - Len couldn't be dull enough not to notice that. But she nodded anyways. If Len wasn't going to blow up in her face, there was no reason that she should do that. For a few moments, they remained in silence, as Len probably contemplated on something. She, well, she was just waiting for the suspense to end. But after a while, she started to reach for the cold leftovers again, but was stopped when he started to speak again. "Can you... take a day-off from work...or something?" She stared at him, her facial expression mixed between a look of shock and a look of complete and utter exasperation. "Len, are you kidding me? I have to go--" Cut off again. But he then explained his reasons, and she thought about it. It wasn't a bad idea. It seemed like he was trying to make up for lost time. To be truthful... she wanted ice cream. She could always take off for the extra shifts that she had taken today and only work at night, like usual, but... that would mean less money for the family. But still - her sister deserved something like this too. And he had said a word that she didn't know he was capable of saying - family. She knew from moment one she was sold. Plus, it also meant free ice cream. Len must have known she was a sucker for free ice cream. For their family... "Fine. But only because our sister deserves it. And after that - I have to go to work."